"The Reflection Check-Out"

It's late. You're riding home on the T after a long laborious day at work. Suddenly, out of the monotony of the trip, a beautiful face walks through the doors into the train. Wow. She or He is pretty attractive. You want to take a longer look at them, just to size them up. Or, maybe a completely different type of person enters the T: a crazy lady with a glass eye, a psycho who's talking to himself, or perhaps even the occasional white-collar type with a bad toupee. Whether its the first scenario or the second, the fact is that you want to make a long examination of that person's face or body.

You have three options. First, you could do the "Awkward Stare". This technique is for only the most shameless of human beings. As the name suggests, this method entails looking directly at the target person for as long as the observer desires. Although the most effective method in theory, this method creates the largest residual "sketch-out" factor. The target will often look away, walk to a different part of the train, ask you to stop, or in some extreme cases grab your head by the hair and slam your face against the wall repeatedly until you scream for mercy. That only happened to me once, I swear.

Your second option is the "Stealth Stare." This method, although yielding less satisfaction, is more socially acceptable. You'll pretend to be looking at your book or shoelaces, but at key moments you'll yawn, take out your cell phone, look at your watch, etc. As you're doing this, you'll "accidentally" pass your eyes over the target person, getting a quick glimpse at their beauty/abnormality.

The third option is perhaps the most ingenious. It's also the most dangerous. I dub this third method "The Reflection Check-Out." As a warning, this method is for only the most experienced riders; novices need not attempt. Instead of looking directly at the person, you use the darkened T window as a reflector. In doing so, it appears as if you are innocently looking out the window at the dirty concrete that is passing by. In theory, you can stare as long and as much as you want with any residual "sketch-out". The only downfall of this is that the quality of the reflected image is quite poor in comparison to the "Awkward Stare." As I said before, though, this method is not without peril.

As with any reflection, whatever you can see in the reflection can see you in return. In other words, if you're looking at someone reflected in the window, they could see you back if they happened to look at the window too. This phenomenon is illustrated in figure 1. This is the worst way to be caught looking at someone. Therefore, the reflection check-out can yield possibly the greatest results but with the greatest risk involved. If you did ever get caught doing this, you'll probably get a dirtier look than the one that the smarmy Newbury Comics employee gave you that time you had to buy an Ashlee Simpson CD "as a gift". All you can do is avert your gaze and pretend that the whole thing never happened.

As with anything in life, you must use discretion when undertaking any of these three techniques. As my Mom always said, "It's not polite to stare." But then again, my Mom never rode on the T.

Inverse Logic?

Let's say that it's 1943. You are lead general of the allied powers fighting against Germany. The world depends on you to take down the evil dictator and restore peace to Europe. OK, so its time to plan a strategy. After all, it won't be easy to topple this dastardly dynamo. In the War Room, your chief advisor asks you, "Sir, where should we place our troops for the attack on Berlin?

You decide to station them on the island of Tazmania off the southern coast of Australia.

If this had actually happened during World War II, people around the world would have been furious at your choice. For, why would you put all your troops in a location that's thousands of miles away from where the enemy is? Many would say that you used inverse logic.

Reading that scenario, you probably asked yourself, "What the hell is this psycho talking about?" and closed your internet browser window. Some of you, however, thought to yourself "Why would anyone do such a stupid thing?"

Unfortunately, such "inverse logic" is still being used today in the city of Boston. As of 2004 here are the rider statistics for daily boarding on the T are:

Blue Line: 55,000 passengers
Orange: 160,000 passengers
Red: 214,000 passengers
Green: 225,000 passengers

This statistic, as seen published in the "Not For Tourist's Guide to Boston", was recently revealed to me by a reader of this blog. I was dumbfounded and appalled. Why would the MBTA place such little emphasis on the line that, per day, has the most passengers?

The Red Line and Blue Line are sights of beauty. Their trains, seemingly infinite in length, are efficient, fast, and clean. The Orange Line is just long. But, see if you can follow me here...

The Green Line is quite the opposite. It's one-car cabooses chug along the tracks like Thomas the Tank Engine after chugging a bottle of quaaludes. Unlike Thomas, though, I've never seen a Green Line trolley with a smile on it's face or a word of educational inspiration to youngsters. Moreover, the green line is inefficient, unpredictable, prone to breakdowns and delays, crowded, and in my opinion has the ubiquitous smell of B.O and Limburger Cheese.

The state of the Green Line today might be suitable for a small suburban town of about 40,000 people. Heck, it might even be suitable for Worcester. But, by no means is the Green Line suitable for a city the size of Boston and its outlying burroughs. There is no logical reason why the MBTA shouldn't be placing a higher emphasis on improving the green line over the other lines. In my reasoning it is simple: the best line should be the one that most people ride. It's not rocket science people.

Now, I know some "Red Liners" will tell me that they despise their line as well. They won't understand how I could say that their line is best. But to these people I offer one final challenge: live on the green line for a year. Then we'll talk.

Post of Appreciation

I would personally like to thank Thomas Caywood, Boston Herald reporter, for writing a front page story about this and two other anti-T blogs. With support like this from the media, maybe change will actually occur.

Here's a link to the Boston Herald article: http://news.bostonherald.com/localRegional/view.bg?articleid=110264

What Can I Do?

Halloween. A time for candy. A time for costumes. A time for friends, frolicking, and fun. Halloween, however, is also a time for traveling with the MBTA.

Some friends and I decided we wanted to go to Salem, Massachusetts and participate in the town's notorious Halloween festivities. In order to get there, I had to utilize two MBTA transportation methods: the T and the Commuter Rail. As always, riding inside these trolleys of terror sparked some thoughts in my head.

When boarding the train, naturally you would want to find a seat. When you're with some friends it becomes even more desirable to find seats so you can all sit comfortably and gab (Yes, I used the word gab). Finding two adjacent seats is hard enough, let alone finding three, four, or five. For the sake of this post, lets stick to two. You and your friend walk down the aisle, hoping there are two spare seats.

Yay! There are two seats, but they are not adjacent...what do you do? I have created a graphic to better illustrate the situation.

Here, the red dots signify T passengers sitting in a seat. The black dots signify you and your friend, looking desperately for a place to sit.

We've all been in this situation before. You could sit down, but you and your friend would be separated by that old woman with a trash-bag full of soda cans muttering to herself "Come and get me, come and get me." No one wants that. If you're separated you can't talk, and if you can't talk, then why sit at all?

In my humble estimation, it is only common courtesy that the person who is sitting with two empty seats on either side of him should move over to allow the pair of people to sit down together. This is illustrated here, in figure 2:

As you can see, if one "red dot" slides over, then you and your friend can sit next to each other. Now, I know everyone hates sitting next to strangers. And, the mere thought of sliding over and coming into contact with another human being is quite frightening. But for the sake of human decency, just slide over!


Aside from this observation, I was also reminded of another T Phenomenon that really irks me. I call it: "The Premature Exit." The Premature Exit is an act that many of us, including myself, have probably performed at one time or another. It is a common mistake, especially for amateurs of the T.

Here's an example of a Premature Exit.

You're standing up, holding the germ-infested metal bar above your head. The T is already crowded. There's barely room to breathe. Over the loudspeaker, the angry driver informs the passengers that the T is "Now entering _______. Doors will open on the right."

Suddenly, some squirrely looking college freshman starts shoving you from behind. There's a sense of nervousness and anxiety. "Uhh, excuse me. Comin' through!" Obviously, he's going to need to get out at this upcoming stop; however, so do you! You know, though, that you don't need to start making your way to the door until the doors actually open. There's no need to push people out of your way to get to the doors that aren't even open yet.

To be fair, this action is condoned only if you're riding on an inbound, above-ground train where the doors only open at the front. In this case, if you're in the back, you have to start making your way to the front or else the T might just drive off before you've had a chance to exit.

In conclusion, I'd like to say that much of the etiquette required to enjoy a ride on the T are simply common sense and mutual respect for your fellow passengers. When riding on a T, just look around yourself and ask the question, "What can I do to make this a happier place?"